Some things are better and others just are…

I have come to a point in my life when I look at things differently. I am in the process of defining what I really want out of my life for the next 40 years. Do I want to keep going where I am going? Do I want to change anything? Should I change anything? What has improved? What is the same? What is worse? Here are some answers.

I am 41 years old. I look a little tired, a lot heavier and a lot less happy than I did twenty years ago. But there are some positives in the last couple of months:
1) I started the year at a whooping 208 lbs. That is the biggest that I have ever been. Today I am 195 lbs and going down. I should be proud of the fact that I have lost thirteen pounds, even if 195 was the same weight I had all year last year. Still, I managed to loose weight and I should concentrate on the positive.
2) I feel a lot healthier than I have for the last 8 months and I am working on a comprehensive plan to improve my health and my looks. I am not going to look 20 ever again, but I can look really good for 40 and that is the goal.
3) This year I decided to move out of my comfort zone. Since I became fat I have tried to avoid social situations because I did not like for people to see me like this. I even avoided the school reunion attempts of my old school chums. This year, I decided to seek my old friends, wherever they may be and try new things and meet other people, expand my usual suspects. On Saturday, I finally went out with three of my old mates from high school. I had a great time. I also discovered some things about myself that made me think a little. I can’t wait to do it again.
4) I am going to LIVE life instead of letting the years go by with me as a spectator. I am going back to playing tennis, I am going to learn to play golf and scuba diving, I am going back to school if it is the last thing that I do. I am going to start painting and drawing again and more importantly, I am going to finish that book that I’ve been working on for the last five years. Maybe I never print it, maybe I print it to raise funds for the Europe trip, or maybe it becomes a best seller. Either way, the point is the actual accomplishment of finishing something that is so close to my heart.
5) There is nothing better than doing something for someone else so I am taking the bone marrow test in order to become a donor. Who knows, maybe they might have a use for my marrow some day.
6) It was very funny to hear my friends say that I have always being a control freak. I thought I had developed that in my twenties, but apparently I was like that since high school. I always blamed it on the “incident” in college, or the fact that I was the last of four and always got compared to the other three. Now, I have been working on the control thing for the last two years. I let go of the bills in order for my husband and I to use a more even shared responsibility for remembering and making payments. I set out chores but do not judge if they do it the way I would do it but on whether or not it got done. I am working really hard on it and I think I have made some improvements. I also realize that some things, I am not going to let go off. I’m still the kind of person that loves punctuality (unless it is to make an ENTRANCE at a party), who likes certain things done a certain way. But if they are minor things and someone else can take responsibility for them, why should I increase my own burden by worrying about them? I’m done with always being the responsible one and then seeing things blow up in my face. Let the rest of the people around me grab the pot by the handle and make the stew. I am going to concentrate on my own personal fulfillment goals and for everything else, I am taking a break.

I will see how this newfound freedom works for me. Keep trying.

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