Discoveries, observations and truths

This weekend was full of discoveries. I discovered that my past was embarrassing enough that I was letting it drive my future. And once the word was out about my past, it did not hold that power anymore. What am I talking about? Allow me to explain.
There are two things in my life that I have always kept hidden about myself:
1) I was anorexic in my late teens and when I was 20.
2) I was raped when I was 20 and drugged and raped again at 25 (by a different person).
Oddly enough, the first time, I was 105 – 110 pounds. And I thought I was beautiful back then. When I was 25, I had recently given birth and lost a whopping 40 pounds (back at 130 after 9 months and 170 pounds on the day of my daughter’s birth). Somehow I associated being raped with being skinny. I guess subconsciously I figured, if I’m fat no one will touch me. But I was miserable.
Why did I become anorexic? That is a totally different story. When I was in high school, I weighted 120 pounds. I remember everyone talking about the freshman 20 when I started college. But because I already felt fat at 18 years old, I could not let that happen. And besides, it was so easy to fake my way through a meal. Breakfast was always a blur in my house. Back then, my first college class was at 7 AM which meant that I had to leave my house at 5 AM to avoid traffic and get a good parking spot. Lunch was even easier: I would fill my tray in the cafeteria with all the goodies my friends liked and for every spoonful I got, they would all take one (in our table, there were always about 8 or 10 boys and about the same amount of girls and I always had the boys around to feed). Nobody ever noticed. And then, by the time I got home, more often than not, if I said I ate at school, everyone believed me. But then, two years later, the rape happened and I blamed myself, for being so skinny.
Observations and truths: I’ve been holding it in for twenty years. I guess all the exercise and eating right was not working because in my heart, I am still that young girl who thinks men can hurt me if I am skinny and powerless. Boy, do I have a lot of work to do to work this out. But the most important thing is that now that is all out in the open, I have seen nothing but support from both family and friends. Even those who don’t know me personally are being extremely supportive. And I thank them all on my way to recovery.
Keep trying.


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